blah…

again, I’ve been gone for a while, but in my defense it’s because the craziness of a new school year was once again beginning. anyways, just thought I’d share how I’ve been feeling lately.

for the last little bit I have seemed to feel content and surrendered in the place that my situation is at right now. My bio brother had begun talking to me again back in March, but sadly that lasted only about a month with him once again falling of the face of the earth. However, this time I sent one long message detailing how I have felt. In the past I feel like I have almost sugar coated my feelings, but this message was 100% raw and real. I sent this message to his phone number I have (which may or may not still be accurate) as well as over Facebook. This gave me more of a sense of peace as I felt like I had finally laid it all out and the ball was in his court now. Of course, it has been challenging at times for sure and today is one of those more challenging days for me. I sent the message back in the beginning of August, nearly 2 months ago and I have heard nothing. And assuming the “last active” status on Facebook is accurate, he has seen that I have messaged him, but has not read it or replied. I know that he may not be in a place where he is ready to read what I have to say, but the pain is still real. I ache for a relationship with my older brother and to one day meet him. And sometimes, it feels like everyday that he does not reply, that dream gets further and further away. Also, for some reason, last night I thought it would be a good idea to read through my adoption file again. Clearly, I was not as prepared to read it again as I thought I was. Because of that and then also thinking about my brother, today is just one of those blah days. It is one of those more difficult days. I know that it won’t last, but for today, it stinks. Sorry to bring the mood down, but just keepin’ it real. 🤙🏼

xoxo, Lauren

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Sometimes I Feel Empty…

There are times, although I may not be willing to admit it that dealing with being adopted is more difficult than others. Sometimes something may trigger the negative emotions I sometimes experience and honestly I may have no idea why the plug has been pulled on the stockpile of emotions. This is actually something I’ve been trying to work on- recognizing my triggers and becoming more aware of them so as to avoid the mega meltdown.

Throughout my life I used to always wonder why I really didn’t like or didn’t enjoy my birthday or holidays as much as other people. I finally realized that the reason I wasn’t enjoying these things was because this type of event brought about the emptiness and sadness that I can feel knowing that during these important times I cannot be with my biological family. It is almost as if there is just this gaping hole in my heart during these supposed to be happy times. This is something that I have tried to work through so many times, but it still remains slightly difficult. My birthday is coming up on Friday and I have to admit, I’ve been feeling kind of down lately. I think that it’s because really deep down all I really want for my birthday is to meet my family, specifically my brother. But, it seems for the meantime that that is not going to happen so here I am to vent about it and hopefully let someone out there know that they are not alone if they’re feeling like this.

 

xoxo, Lauren

Ask an Adoptee: How does the adoptee feel about whether or not to share that they were adopted with friends and family? Does he/she feel it’s only their right to share or is it an open topic?

This is such a great question and I am always so happy to see people actually taking the time to find out the answer to this question rather than just assuming the answer. To be honest, I am not sure if what I have to say is all that helpful, but I’ll offer my thoughts anyways J This type of situation totally depends on the individual. There really is no definitive answer when it comes to discussing one’s feelings about adoption because each person is so different. For example, when I was younger I did not want anyone knowing I was adopted- it made me feel really uncomfortable and I chose to not even think about it myself. As a child I did not like feeling like I was different. My sister however, has always been really proud of being adopted and always claimed that as part of who she is; she never had any problems talking about it. A child’s experience through the lifelong journey of being adopted is a process as unique to the child and should be handled sensitively. If you’re not sure where to start, I would just gently bring up the topic to the child and see how they respond. From there, you should be able to gauge how the child feels about their unique situation. Also, the way this should be handled is dependent upon whether or not the child is aware that they are adopted as this could totally change their emotions and therefore their reaction. But I think that you are starting in a great place if you are trying to go about this in the gentlest way possible. But with this I would just like to say that yes it is the child’s right to talk about it if they choose to- not anyone else’s. I think as long as you are respectful of the child’s right and sensitive towards the topic then you should be okay. Hope this helps at least a little bit!

xoxo, Lauren

where have i been?

It's actually been a really long time since I've posted on here and I apologize for that. I've had a lot going on throughout this past year, most of which involved crazy amounts of self discovery. But, I'm here once again and I so badly want to get back to posting regularly. I'm back and here to stay. Stay beautiful ✌🏻

xoxo,
Lauren

Ask an Adoptee…

So here I am again, it’s been a while. Life has been crazy, but while taking my little hiatus I thought of something that I would really like to do- ask an adoptee. It’s going to be probably one post a week where I answer a question from someone else that is posed to an adoptee. This question could literally be anything. If you or anyone you know has any questions, you can email them to me at adopteethoughts@gmail.com

Now, without further ado, let’s get into the first Ask an Adoptee post!

 

Question: What can I do to help my AD 17 get rid of her anger and see that she can have a great future if she wants it?

 

Okay, first off I just wanna acknowledge how happy I am that you’re willing to even ask such questions. When adoptive parents desire to learn more and really strive to figure out more and more about their adopted child it just fills my heart.

 

Now, as an adopted child myself, and only about four years older than your daughter, I can say that I totally understand the anger she’s feeling. I don’t know the exact circumstances of her situation prior to coming into your home, but I think that regardless a lot of adoptees feel angry. I’m not sure if you understand the anger or not so I’ll just try to explain anyways.

 

For me, I’ve always felt angry in one way or another. At times I’ve felt angry at my birth mother for giving me up in the first place been though I know that was the best decision she could have made for me. I’ve felt angry feeling like there’s no one out there that understands me and the things that I go through. And quite honestly anger isn’t even always explained.

 

As far as getting over the anger, I’m not entirely sure that that ever really happens. Dealing with all of the emotions that come with being adopted is a lifelong process. She may not always have such intense anger, but if she does seem to get over it for now, it could resurface again. I think the best thing that you can do for her is to keep an open line of communication, but not in any sort of pushy way. You could always encourage her to reach out to some sort of support group or something. I know that one of the biggest things in my life has been able to talk to someone that knows exactly what I’m feeling and can 100% relate to me. It’s nice to talk to people in general, but having someone that truly understands is so comforting.

 

Aside from talking to people who have also been adopted, seeing a therapist has been huge in my life. Just in general being 17 isn’t always that great and therapy could help regardless of the anger. But having someone whose job is literally to listen to me for an hour is a great feeling. Just in general I think seeing someone could be beneficial for literally everyone. In addition to that, just knowing I could talk to my mom about anything, even my bio family was extremely important for me. It took me a while to feel comfortable doing it, but once I did it totally changed my life. Also a practical for her if she doesn’t already is journaling. I cannot advocate enough for that.

 

If she is living in a healthy, supportive home, she will get over it and I’m sure she knows deep down that she can have a great future. Unfortunately, sometimes these feelings can make you feel stuck and almost alienated from the world. That then in turn can make you feel like you’re going nowhere fast. I think it depends a lot on her circumstances, if she’s generally motivated, what exactly she’s angry about at the moment, etc.

To be completely honest, I’m not sure how long it takes for anger to dissipate; if ever. So with that, I’m not really sure if there is anything you personally could do to “help her get over” the anger because that is really something that has to come from her on her own. But what you can do is encourage her to vocalize how she’s feeling and giving her different outlets for these emotions. I think that channeling these feelings into different things will bring out the source of what she’s feeling as well as help it subside, as she is able to deal with each issue. The most important thing is for her to know not to brush things under the rug. I have done that countless times and it truly only makes things worse and makes you feel alone.

Sorry if this wasn’t specific enough, but if you are ever interested in talking more in depth I would totally be willing to do that.

 

xoxo, Lauren

You Don’t Have to Tell Everyone Everything (or anything for that matter)

What I’ve come to realize over the years is that I truly don’t have to tell everyone everything. And even then, I don’t have to tell them anything.

I used to think that if someone asked me a question, no matter how personal, I was obligated to answer them. That however, is simply not true. It has only been within the last year that I’ve actually come to realize this and in turn put it into practice. I used to hate  when people asked me personal questions regarding adoption and I did not feel even remotely comfortable answering. Sometimes I think that people don’t reaaaally think before they ask questions. In some situations, a question that they find totally fine can actually come off as offensive or insensitive.

Realize that you do not owe anyone anything in terms of your personal experience. You should be able to share that information with whomever you’re comfortable with whenever you are ready. Don’t feel pressured by anyone, no matter who they are.

Also, I used to think that I had to tell anyone that asked me something everything. But no. I can tell different people different things and as little or as much as I choose. I really don’t know why it’s taken nearly my entire life to realize this because it’s so liberating, but here I am ahah. Your life is just that; YOURS. SO, don’t feel like you have to have your story written across your forehead for all to read. Feel like you can talk to people, but only share sensitive things with safe people and guard yourself with an appropriate amount of caution. Worry about yourself more than how that one person may react.

 

xoxo, Lauren

Why are MOST adoptees so angry at their adopters?

I was online recently, on an adoptee support group I am now a part of, and I came across this post- someone asking “Why are MOST adoptees so angry at their adopters if they are traumatized and the trauma takes place due to the primal wound and being taken from one’s first mother?” Now, I found this quite interesting. Being a part of this group means that this individual is indeed an adoptee. That being said, I didn’t really understand their question, and needless to say I didn’t answer their post. However, I haven’t stopped thinking about the nature of this post because quite honestly, it bothered me somewhat. Maybe it wasn’t intended this way, but it came off as kind of rude and I found it to be off-putting. So, that being said, I’ve decided to give my take on this question. Here goes….

 

Well, first of all, I would not say that MOST adoptees are angry at their adopters. There is without a doubt a very good amount of adoptees out there who probably are angry because they may not have been adopted into a great family life. However, there is a great majority of amazing stories of adoptees who have fantastic lives and are extremely grateful for their adoptive families. I for one am one of those that are extremely grateful so I cannot relate to those angry towards their adopters, but I definitely get that that is a possibility.

 

I also believe it is entirely possible to be angry at ones adopters because of the sheer fact that sometimes you could feel that your adopters took you away from that “first mother.” Someone may not always feel that way, but it’s definitely a possibility at some points during one’s journey through figuring your feelings out regarding this part of your life. Anger is a normal part of grief, and grief is exactly what adoptees go through.

 

Now, it is true that we as adoptees are traumatized because indeed we are taken from our “first mother.” This has been known and referred to as the “primal wound.” Whether or not you choose to accept this term or not is totally up to you, and perhaps not everyone experiences it, but I personally have and accept it. (here is a picture of it in case anyone is interested in reading the book, I personally think it’s worth a read)

primal-wound-cover

But, I believe that you can be traumatized by this experience and then still be angry at your adopters if they are not great, or for other reasons. I don’t see why these two have to be or should be independent of one another. I think it is entirely possible to have both feelings, maybe not at the same time, but still.

 

In conclusion, I think both feelings are real and can occur together. Grief is something that adoptees definitely experience and both of these emotions and feelings are part of the grieving process. And that is exactly what this is- a process. To be honest, I believe trying to sort out all of these feelings and such, is a lifelong process. So really, who’s to say what makes sense and what doesn’t? Everyone’s journey and process is different. Let’s respect that.

 

xo, Lauren