I was online recently, on an adoptee support group I am now a part of, and I came across this post- someone asking “Why are MOST adoptees so angry at their adopters if they are traumatized and the trauma takes place due to the primal wound and being taken from one’s first mother?” Now, I found this quite interesting. Being a part of this group means that this individual is indeed an adoptee. That being said, I didn’t really understand their question, and needless to say I didn’t answer their post. However, I haven’t stopped thinking about the nature of this post because quite honestly, it bothered me somewhat. Maybe it wasn’t intended this way, but it came off as kind of rude and I found it to be off-putting. So, that being said, I’ve decided to give my take on this question. Here goes….
Well, first of all, I would not say that MOST adoptees are angry at their adopters. There is without a doubt a very good amount of adoptees out there who probably are angry because they may not have been adopted into a great family life. However, there is a great majority of amazing stories of adoptees who have fantastic lives and are extremely grateful for their adoptive families. I for one am one of those that are extremely grateful so I cannot relate to those angry towards their adopters, but I definitely get that that is a possibility.
I also believe it is entirely possible to be angry at ones adopters because of the sheer fact that sometimes you could feel that your adopters took you away from that “first mother.” Someone may not always feel that way, but it’s definitely a possibility at some points during one’s journey through figuring your feelings out regarding this part of your life. Anger is a normal part of grief, and grief is exactly what adoptees go through.
Now, it is true that we as adoptees are traumatized because indeed we are taken from our “first mother.” This has been known and referred to as the “primal wound.” Whether or not you choose to accept this term or not is totally up to you, and perhaps not everyone experiences it, but I personally have and accept it. (here is a picture of it in case anyone is interested in reading the book, I personally think it’s worth a read)
But, I believe that you can be traumatized by this experience and then still be angry at your adopters if they are not great, or for other reasons. I don’t see why these two have to be or should be independent of one another. I think it is entirely possible to have both feelings, maybe not at the same time, but still.
In conclusion, I think both feelings are real and can occur together. Grief is something that adoptees definitely experience and both of these emotions and feelings are part of the grieving process. And that is exactly what this is- a process. To be honest, I believe trying to sort out all of these feelings and such, is a lifelong process. So really, who’s to say what makes sense and what doesn’t? Everyone’s journey and process is different. Let’s respect that.